
167: Unrecognized Loss, Unexpressed Grief
Divorce and the death of a spouse naturally bring grief. But we don’t always recognize the grief our kids also carry after walking through hard circumstances. Ron Deal talks with Stanley & Mryna Brown on how they navigated grief when they married. Stanley had lost his first wife to cancer, later remarried briefly, then divorced. Myrna had also been through a divorce and was a single mom for ten years before marrying Stanley. They both had two children who struggled with their own grief and loss. Through counseling, Stanley and Myrna began to understand more about their children’s grief and how to help them work through the unique grief each of them carried, allowing relationship building within the family to more easily develop.

Show Notes
About the Guest

Myrna and Stanley Brown
Stanley and Myrna both had served in various church ministries for more than a quarter century long before God brought them together as husband and wife.
Stanley survived the pain of losing a spouse to death and the tragedy of divorce. Myrna also experienced divorce. Both want to encourage couples and families by letting them know that it is still possible to experience the blessing of God. There is hope when our hope is in Him.
Stanley and Myrna are graduates of Luther Rice Seminary. It is their desire to encourage couples everywhere, especially those in blended families like theirs. It is their joy to celebrate the biblical purpose and plan of marriage.
Stanley and Myrna have four adult children, a son and daughter in law and two grandchildren. They currently reside near the Gulf Coast.
About the Host

Ron Deal
Ron Deal is Director of FamilyLife Blended®️ for FamilyLife®️ and President of Smart Stepfamilies™️. He is a family ministry consultant and conducts marriage and family seminars around the country; he specializes in marriage education and stepfamily enrichment. He is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country.
Episode Transcript
FamilyLife Blended®
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Season 7, Episode 167: Kids Grieve, Too: Navigating Childhood Loss After Death or Divorce
Guests:Myrna and Stanley Brown
Air Date: June 30, 2025
Stanley:I think that couples have to work to defend their marriage, right, both from internal and external forces and stuff like that. So it can come in all different shapes in fashion, but it’s the marriage that’s most important and having a strong marriage is good for them in the long run as well.
Ron:Welcome to the FamilyLife Blended podcast. I’m Ron Deal. We help blended families, and those who love them, pursue the relationships that matter most. And why would we do that? Well, because there is great joy in loving God and loving others, and it makes the world a better place.
Perhaps you’ve heard me say before that every blended family is a cross-cultural experience. Each household has its own culture, if you will; different rules, rhythms, rituals and ways of communicating with each other. And so when families merge and come together, those cultures collide. Well, sometimes, as you’ll hear a little later, there are actual cultural differences. In addition to that, family members from different parts of the world with different ethnic heritage that adds to the family complexity. Stay with us. We’re going to get to that on this edition of FamilyLife Blended.
Now is the time to be planning for a fall small group or a class in your church and community. In many churches, it’s a willing couple who leads these learning groups. I just want to say to you, you may not have ever thought of yourself as a leader, but you can do this. You can do this. We have the tools to empower you. We have coaches that can walk you through getting started. And by the way, those coaches are available for free. We’ll even promote your group for you on our searchable map for those who are looking for groups in their neck of the woods.
And our Fall family equipping conference called The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry, that’ll help you network, that’ll help you learn about the latest resources from FamilyLife Blended and others. And it’s going to encourage you as you lead for perhaps the very first time, or maybe it’s your tenth time, we just want to come alongside you and help you do ministry in your local community. Alright, we’d love to join you. We’d love to have you join us at The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. Go to SummitonStepfamilies.com to learn all about it.
My friends Stanley and Myrna Brown, both have served in various churches, various ministries for more than a quarter century, and they did that long before God brought them together as husband and wife. Stanley survived after the pain of losing his spouse to death and the tragedy of divorce. Myrna has also gone through a divorce.
Stanley works in IT as an IT manager. Myrna is a journalist and a co-host of a very popular podcast that I listen to on a regular basis called The World and Everything in It. If you’re not familiar with that, look it up. She also produces for us here at FamilyLife Blended video stories. We call them Stories of Encouragement. We have featured her work in our annual Blended and Blessed livestream, and we will again. And by the way, these Stories of Encouragement are available on YouTube, the FamilyLife Blended YouTube channel.
Together Stanley and Myrna facilitate marriage and parenting small groups at their church, and they speak at retreats and conferences. They have four adult children, a son and a daughter-in-law, and two grandchildren. I’ve got one. I’m jealous guys. They currently live near the Gulf Coast in Alabama. Hey guys, so glad you’re with me today.
Stanley:Hey Ron.
Myrna:Hey, Ron.
Ron:How are those grandchildren? Let’s talk grandkids for a second.
Myrna:Oh yes, favorite subject.
Ron:Favorite subject? How old are they?
Stanley:Ten and what, two months? Almost three months.
Myrna:Almost three months, yeah; girl and a boy.
Ron:Girl and a boy, okay, great. I’m enjoying the boy, would love to have a granddaughter one of these days. I’ll put in my order and see what happens.
Myrna:They’re so sweet.
Stanley:Yep.
Ron:That’s great. Myrna, later we’re going to talk a little bit about one of the pieces that you have done for us, and we’re going to get to listen to that video story. I’ll just tell our listeners and our viewers that you go on site and talk to families and basically do a little vignette, a little story of their life and capture pieces of blended family living.
But before we get to that, I want to ask the two of you, if you were doing a piece on your own family, what would be the arc of the story looking back on your years together as a family? What would be the arc of the story? Maybe some of the headliners, maybe some of the characters. Let’s just start with your story and then we’ll get to somebody else’s here in a minute.
Stanley:Well, I guess I can start about how we met more so than anything. It was interesting that Myrna and I’s paths crossed at a distance. We both were living in the Atlanta area at that time. My now deceased wife, she was alive, and we were attending two different churches, but the churches were in the same circle, and they had something every fifth Sunday called Celebrate Jesus. And Myrna would represent her church for singing standpoint as well as my wife would represent our church and so on. And I remember my wife saying, “Wow, she really can sing,” talking about Myrna and different singers give a couple minutes to each other, right? But we never did meet, small talk in the reception area after the particular service and so on.
Fast forward, eventually my wife had colon cancer, lasted about a year. My wife and I had went to this one church to help out their AWANA program. And when she passed away, I decided it’s a good time to move my kids to another church. And I was thinking about that church that was in that circle of fellowship, and that’s happened to be the one that Myrna went to as well. And so went to that particular church and that day, Myrna was moving on to a different church. So we kind of two ships passing in the night, right?
Ron:Oh wow.
Stanley:She was exiting out and I was coming in.
Myrna:So, okay, can I tell this part of the story?
Ron:Please do. Please do.
Myrna:So as Stanley said, my two kids and I were leaving that church. Stanley and his two kids were coming to that church. And so sometimes in churches they have those who are departing to stand, and people come by and shake your hand. And so Stanley says that as I was standing and he walked by and he shook my hand and he said, “I enjoy your program.” At the time I was working for Turner TBS, and I co-hosted a program at that time. And so he said, he shook my hand and said, as I said, “I enjoy your program.”
Ron:You don’t remember.
Stanley:Yeah. And I always say that—
Ron:You left a good first, good first impression there, brother.
Stanley:And the reason why is she doesn’t remember because she was too busy signing autographs.
Myrna:No, but we do laugh about that, how our paths crossed twice.
Ron:Yeah. Okay, so she’s leaving. When do you guys get connected?
Stanley:Well, we were at this particular church and then we got involved in this church plant, myself and the kids church plant and the minister of music at that church had needed to go on a trip that weekend and they asked Myrna to fill in. And so her and her kids came to that church to fill in and—
Myrna:We never left.
Stanley:Yeah, they stayed there.
Ron:Wow. So you got connected; ages of kids when you came together?
Stanley:Oh goodness. Probably 19 and 16 or something like that.
Myrna:Josh was probably 14 or 15.
Stanley:I’m thinking ?
Myrna:Kayla was probably closer to 17, I would think, teenagers.
Ron:Okay, and how many years have you been married at this point?
Stanley:Twelve years.
Ron:Okay, so would you say it’s been a downhill arc on this family journey just sliding, enjoying, moving fast, that there’s—or would you say it’s been an uphill climb, a little bit at different places or maybe for some, but not for all.
Stanley:Yeah, that would be a graph that would be all over the place, I would think if you tried to plot that out, and so there’s definitely been some bumpy rides. I think the adjustments for our kids; it was very individualized. My biological son, he was already out of the house and our two girls were pretty much out of the house too, in college and so on, roommates. But it was Joshua, the youngest who was still in high school, and so I think that was the bigger challenge for him.
Myrna:And understand Ron, that before Stanley and I got married, I was married to their dad for 13 years, ended in divorce; then I was single for a decade, 10 years.
Ron:A decade. That matters, doesn’t it?
Myrna:It does. It does. I wish I’d had your book.
Ron:Yeah, Dating and the Single Parent, in order to think through it. When you have a long single parent period of time, it seems to me—and I don’t know if this matches your experience. I’d love to hear your reaction to this. It seems to me; I think a common narrative we hear from people is that the parent and the children settle in to, wow, I mean new rhythms, new rituals. You have time to establish all new traditions that may wrap around birthdays and holidays and special days and Christmas, and those become deeply important to you and them and the life of your family. And so it is an abrupt ending to that when there’s a new marriage that starts a blended family.
Myrna:Yes. There was a closeness. I’ll give you an example. I had an open-door policy, so my kids knew that they could just waltz on into my bedroom. No door wasn’t closed or anything; didn’t have to knock. They just came in.
Ron:They had access to mom.
Myrna:They had access to mom. When Stanley and I got married—and so most of it’s for Josh because he was the only one still in the house—”Wait, what’s going on? The door is—wait, first the door is closed and then it’s locked.”
Ron:That’s right.
That is so symbolic of how much is changing. And of course, everybody listening right now understands, yeah, you need your privacy as a couple. Yes, that’s an appropriate thing to do. And this represents a big change for a child who didn’t ever have to ask, who didn’t know there was any other relationship that would get in the way of him having access to mom. And so now, symbolically, Stanley, you’re a barrier, right, because you brought the change to the equation.
I don’t know, sometimes kids in that situation tend to blame the stepparent, put the weight of that change onto the stepparent where it was both of your decision to shut the door and have some privacy, but it often sort of ripples out against the stepparent. Was that the way you guys experienced it?
Stanley:I would think so, yeah, because that was just one of the things I brought to the table, right, but I was definitely willing to take that on because God’s calling as the husband and father in at home, I needed to establish some boundaries and so on.
Myrna:But I will also add that Josh, he was upset with me. I mean, I remember, and many parents do this first day of school, you take that photograph of your kid. Well, I remember, I just remember this. I mean, this was years ago at his school, and I was ready to take the photograph. He did not want to do it. He was angry at me. “I don’t want to do that.” So he was angry at me as well.
Ron:Yeah, kind of protesting what he was experiencing. And that’s such a bind for a couple. I mean, here you are establishing your new relationship, your marriage, that policy of closed door on bedroom; that’s so appropriate. It makes a statement. This marriage is important. And yes, leave and cleave. I mean, we can talk about this all day long and, and it feels like a loss for the kid. And Josh was how old?
Myrna:Seventeen
Ron:Yeah. He’s old enough to know. You had 10 years where open door and now it’s closed.
Stanley:And it’s just some more of training because he had not seen that example. And now he’s seeing an example where there’s a Christian family, a home, couple that’s coming together, and seeing that modeled out. I think it was good for him to see that.
Ron:Absolutely. That doesn’t necessarily mean he likes it.
Stanley:Right, exactly.
Ron:Yeah. So Stanley, you took that on. You were willing to set the tone for your marriage, if you will. Were there other things that were changes that sort of became barriers for you and Josh figuring out your relationship?
Stanley:Yeah, I would say just taking direction from me as well, and so on; chores in the house and things like that. And also, we learned early on in our marriage—we did get some of your material at that point in time is basically having the bio parent being the conveyor of the message and supporting but also having the other parents supporting you as well too. So taking advantage of that relationship, not in a negative way, but a positive way that’s already been established between the bio parent and the bio child on both sides of the equation there.
Ron:That’s good. Before we leave this and go onto something else, is there anything looking back that the two of you wish you would’ve done different? Sort of, here’s the takeaway for the audience.
Myrna:Oh yeah. We had to have some Christian counseling. It got that bad. And as a result, we realized at toward the end of that last session, I remember it, and Joshua in tears said, “I thought I’d lost you.” And then I just hugged him, and I said, “No, I’m always going to be your mama. I’m always going to be your mama.” So that was, it was tough, but there was also this breakthrough. And I will say that as a result of all of that, it was hard times. Joshua, his relationship with the Lord became stronger and his relationship with Stanley became stronger. Stanley married Josh and his wife.
The Lord redeemed and redeemed that situation, those hard times. But I wish we had leaned in. We learned this from your book, Ron, that we had leaned in to Josh when we were dating and we really did not date long but I wish we had done that.
Stanley:And I think also, not just with Josh, I think we could have better communicated what was going on with all of our kids, even though that it was more directly affected Josh. I think we all need to be on the same page as to where we’re going with this and so on, and why we’re going this particular way. And we were too busy planning the ceremony, getting married and so on.
Myrna:Real quick, one thing you said during, remember our vows, one of the things that, and they all heard it, and we wanted them to, so I thought that was good. You want to share that?
Stanley:Well, sure. We said in our vows, we said, “We’re thankful that God gave me someone that loves God more than me but loved me more than anybody else.” So that means that they were not number one in their parents’ life anymore, right.
Ron:Yeah. Thus a closed door. All those little moments are very, very symbolic of that change. As you guys were talking, I was thinking that one of the principles that we teach is biological parents move toward your children even as you’re moving toward your new love interest, your new partner, your new spouse ultimately. It’s the both and. Why? Because children do feel like they’ve had a loss even as you have a gain. And so it’s hard.
But here’s the thing I don’t know that I always say, and that is, even if you do this and do it well—move toward the kids and lean a little bit more toward them, like you guys were talking about—it doesn’t mean that they just automatically feel comfortable or safe or not forgotten, and everything’s kosher with them. They still have that period of adjustment by and large where they have to navigate that new space and terrain and figure out where they fit and whether they’re significant and they still matter, and in what way they matter to their parent, to their siblings, and now to this new home that has a stepparent in it. And that takes time.
I don’t ever want to give parents the false hope that you have the power to help your kids not feel any of that loss. I just don’t think anybody has that much power. I think you have influence and your presence is everything—your ongoing continued presence, moving toward them in whatever ways you can—but they’re still going to feel it.
Stanley:And even though we saw firsthand how they affected Josh, but it was also affecting our older kids in a different way. And I would say with my bio kids, they had lost their mom about five years before, and then I remarried and unfortunate that marriage didn’t work out well, and now I was getting married again. So I don’t know if there was really the time to check and make sure that the grieving process was going to be lifelong, but the checkpoint to see where they’re at and so on.
Ron:What was that like for your kids? She, Myrna had ten years with her children. You had fiveish years after their mother passed away. Looking back, how do you think the loss of their mom impacted their openness and their bonding with Myrna?
Stanley:Well, there was not five years. It was five years without their mom, but also their dad had moved on and married someone else. And I think that for me, is that going back retrospect, I think I would’ve maybe put a little more time in from the time that their mom passing away and getting married again to grieve with them. And so I think that there was a point that they were not, I almost say their grief was on pause, but maybe the healing was on pause. I would say that was the point. And that’s not good in itself.
And they knew Myrna and they really loved and appreciate Myrna, but still that healing of losing their mom was probably just beginning because they were not able to do a lot of healing with me during that marriage before Myrna.
Ron:I gotcha.
Stanley:If that makes sense.
Ron:That does make sense. In fact, there was more loss, more—
Stanley:Yeah. Yes.
Ron:—more unknown. And do you think more added to their plate that felt like, I don’t know what to trust. I don’t know what to hold on to.
Stanley:Yeah, I would say that’s a very well way to put it right there, is that you experienced that loss and you didn’t really get a chance to heal together and grieve together during that relationship and will we be able to this time and so on. So I think that was an unknown for them. And I think there was some settling in, and here again, new dynamics, even though they were older, but coming from a different perspective, there was a different way of looking at it for sure.
Ron:Yeah. So Myrna, what was your journey with his kids?
Myrna:Well as Stanley said we went to the same church. Kelsey was in my youth group, so I had a relationship with probably Kelsey more so than Travis. And when we got married, my thing, I wanted to be a night and day difference between their stepmom before me. So I tried to do everything in my power to just be night and day different.
Stanley:And I think you were, but I think the other thing too, the weight they were carrying also is the continuous loss of their mom. That dynamic was still there too and that whole healing process.
Ron:Did that feel like hot cold for you, Myrna? They warmed up and cooled off and warmed up and cooled off.
Myrna:I never doubted that they loved me. So I know that. I’ve always known that. I’m also, and I’ve always been keenly aware that I’m not their mom and they miss her. They still miss her. They are adults. They still miss her. They love me, but I can’t fill that spot. And that’s been, to be honest, sometimes I get my feelings hurt because even though I know that in here, I know that, but well, I want them to call me. That kind of thing.
Ron:Yeah, of course.
Myrna:That’s part of my personality.
Ron:Of course. And again, that represents your big heart and your love for them and your desire to have that relationship be safe in a way that they would rely on you at times of need or be able to pull on some of the life wisdom you have. Yeah, see, I mean, I just think that’s marvelous.
And of course, it’s a setup. I just think it’s important for stepparents to know that. Like yes, don’t change that about yourself. And yes, that means you’re going to be disappointed at times when they don’t necessarily experience it on their side the same way you would have the same desire on your side. Have you figured out a way—I know couples can help each other with this. You can at least try to comfort each other. Have you guys figured out how to do that for the bio parent to sort of help the stepparent when they’re feeling down and vice versa?
Stanley:Yeah, I guess I try to with Myrna in the sense that telling her or assuring her is they don’t not like you or anything like that, and things of nature right there, they’re doing this. It is not because they’ve turned on you or anything like that. It is just more of number one is I have the history of their personality of who they are and how they respond to different things, and then also to the fact, the grieving process. Just be mindful of that. If you’re doing what God would have you to do, that’s the most and the best that you can do, and they can be beneficiaries of that or not, and then that’s then something between them and God, because talking about adult children at this particular point, right?
Ron:Right.
Stanley:So I don’t want her to feel isolated or rejected or anything like that. It is the whole idea is that you can’t replace their mom. And also too, that’s just how they respond, how they respond to me in some certain ways and so on.
Myrna:Yeah. Yeah, Stanley is certainly, he has a listening ear, and I can talk his head off and he’s patient. He’s patient with me. He knows my personality and he knows their personality. And so I think that is a vantage point because he knows us.
Ron:I do think that comforting each other is important for couples to try to do. I also know that there is a responsibility on the person who’s feeling the disappointment to manage that disappointment in a way that doesn’t, you don’t become—how do I say it—a slave to it. Where it doesn’t govern you or God forbid even become a source of contention that erodes the relationship you do have with the children or with each other. Don’t take it out on other people. Don’t cast that blame around.
But to tell yourself, I need to act out of the strength that God gives me and what He’s called me to be and to try to just continue to be that best example and best person I can in this equation. And then it falls where it falls in terms of how the children respond.
Stanley:I think that couples have to work to defend their marriage, both from internal and external forces and stuff like that. So it can come in all different shapes and fashion, but the marriage is the most important, and having a strong marriage is good for them in the long run as well.
Ron:Absolutely right. Well, I just want to say to our listener, our viewer, if you want to learn more about grief and its impact on kids, we’ve talked about that a little bit here, I suggest you pick up a copy of either The Smart Stepfamily, my book—we do quite a bit in there about grief and how children carry it and respond with it—or Lauren Reitsema’s book In Their Shoes. We’ve had Lauren on this podcast before, and it’s a terrific deep read into the journey of children in particular following the divorce of their parents, and then when their parent or parents remarry.
Okay, Myrna, you’ve been creating some videos. Let’s turn the corner and talk a little bit about this. You’ve been creating these stories of encouragement, families in the journey. You’ve been telling these stories for a couple of years now. We call them Stories of Encouragement. Take us a little bit behind the scenes. I’m curious, what has been your experience as a journalist stepping into people’s lives and asking questions and putting a camera in their face. What’s that journey been like for you?
Myrna:Well, it’s been different in that Stanley has been with me with these stories. Typically when I’m doing my stories for World, I’m solo, but it’s a joy to have him with me. Sometimes I’m not as technical as I should be. So being the IT guy, he’s helping me with that. But yeah, I get to do this. I always say I get to tell these stories that I hope are a blessing to those who get to watch and to hear them, but most of all, to glorify God so that people see the Lord working in folks’ lives. So I get to do this.
Ron:Yeah, it’s pretty special, isn’t it? I mean, I kind feel that way right now. Here I am talking with some friends about life and about your journey together as a family. And to me, it’s such a privilege to just unpack that and for people and listeners that other people might be influenced by it. And so I know you well enough to know that’s a reward for you. Are people open? I mean, I know they agreed to it. It’s not like you’re surprising anybody with these interviews. They’ve agreed to it, you’re sitting down. But once you get into that conversation, are they forthright and are there kids? What’s that been like?
Myrna:And I’m just thinking about the stories, for instance, that we got to tell last year. And all three couples, I would say were very willing. As you said, they agreed. It wasn’t a surprise. They understand that this is possibly going to help somebody else who’s listening because there’s nothing new under the sun.
Ron:Right, right.
Myrna:Yeah. Would you say that?
Stanley:Yeah, yeah. Because they’re coming from positions of hurt and pain themselves, and they want to inspire hope for others as well too, so they were glad to share their story.
Ron:We are going to share one of the little clips from one of your videos, and I’ll just say to our listeners, these are all available on YouTube on the FamilyLife Blended YouTube channel. The one we’re going to listen to is called The Challenge When Blending Families and Culture. So Myrna, could you just set this up for us a little bit? Tell us a little bit about the family and then we’ll play the clip.
Myrna:Yeah, so Ty and Debora Griffies, they live right outside of metro Atlanta. Ty brought six children to their blend, and Deborah brought one. And interesting thing, Deborah is originally from Brazil, but if you listen to her talk, she has an English accent. She learned English by listening to a recording and the person teaching her English—
Stanley:—had the English accent.
Ron:Is that right?
Myrna:And then Ty, he just has just a great accent from Newnan, Georgia. And so we have fun with that. We have fun with that.
Ron:Yes, and it was such a great story of, like I said at the top of this podcast, every blended family is a cross-cultural experience, but then you add, wow, we have regional and differences in terms of countries and ethnic backgrounds, and one’s from the sticks, one’s from Brazil. Then you add that to the mix, and along with that goes family expectations and roles and mom’s role, dad’s role, all that kind of stuff. And it just adds to the complexity of the merger, if you will.
As I recall in this clip, we’re going to hear from one of the kids about a particular expectation from the parent that was new and different. So let’s roll that clip and then we’ll talk about it afterwards.
[Recorded clip]
Ty:I’m from the south, and in the south, we say, sir and ma’am, a lot. “Y’all are staying with me tonight, right?” “Yes, sir.” “Yes sir.” And it’s cultural and I understand that. Well, Luke, Luke wasn’t raised that way.
Myrna:And what do you think about saying, yes ma’am, and yes sir now.
Luke:I don’t like it that much, but I do it because they tell me to.
Ty:He says, “Well, I don’t have to say those things at my dad.” And I said, “my dad’s house.” And I said, “That’s fine. You have rules there, and we have rules here, and it’s kind of tough on you because you’ve got to switch back and forth.”
Myrna:“Alright, ready?” No doubt about it; stepfamily dynamics are hard.
[Studio]
Ron:That is such a good clip. And what our listening audience couldn’t see that our viewing audience on YouTube could see is the stepdad and that son Luke hugging there in that little final piece. Yeah, there’s some challenge there. And so for them it was expectations of how you respond to adult authority and his stepdad’s going, “Oh, you’re going to say yes sir, and no ma’am.” And looks like, “Yeah, I don’t even know this. I don’t play that game. I don’t know how to do this kind of stuff.” That that’s a really good practical example of the kind of mergers that are taking place in families everywhere, right?
Myrna:Yeah. I’m just thinking about when I was interviewing them, and we were just in their kitchen, and I didn’t really have any questions written out for the kids. We were just having a conversation and that came up. I just appreciate Luke. He’s just a kid. He’s just being real.
Ron:Yeah, that’s right. That’s right.
Myrna:And even the hugging at the end, that wasn’t scripted. I didn’t ask them to do it. I’m just thankful I was rolling when they did it.
Ron:Exactly, exactly. I think there’s a teaching element to that little piece. The young man said, “I do it, but I don’t want to do it.”
I want to say to parents listening, hey, there’s a whole lot of things that if you get obedience from your children, not necessarily with happiness attached to it. A child doesn’t have to be smiling when they’re doing what you’ve asked them to do. If you get obedience, that is a victory. Count that all as movement in the right direction.
Sometimes I see parents undoing themselves because they want their child to be super happy, full of respect, joyful in the moment of obedience, and I just think, no, that’s too much to expect. In particular, it might be too much to expect timing wise from a stepparent in the early days of a blended family. “This is hard. I’m having to change the way I respond to you, and I don’t even know why. It’s just your rule,” and “Who are you anyway?” Don’t make it bigger than it has to be. Let them, and you have some little success in those change moments. I don’t know. That was one thought that came to mind.
The other thought that came to mind was that the stepdad was gracious. You remember when he was explaining to Luke and he said, “Yeah, it’s kind of a bummer for you. At your dad’s house, you don’t have to do this over there, but now you’re over here at mom’s house and this is an expectation that I’ve brought into your life.” I mean, there was a gentleness to that, that I think yes, spot on; have a sensitivity for what the kids are having to change and do different.
This is not the first change in their life. This is probably the hundred thousandth change that they’ve had to deal with in their life because of all the things that have led up to this moment. And so yeah, you can have a gentleness and still have the expectation. I don’t know, thoughts, how would you guys react to that?
Myrna:Spot on.
Stanley:Yeah, I think that’s it. The way he handled it as the father: the gentleness and seeing where he was coming from, not making it really hard on him, but also setting that standard too. Because you have to do that so that what’s going on in the other household is not necessarily coming into your household,
Myrna:And I’m real thankful that these precious families, these couples, allow us to come in and really invade their space. So yeah, they understand as I said, that it’s going to be used to be helpful, and I think it is helpful.
Ron:Well, I can tell you, we are really appreciative of your work, Myrna; great stories. Again, to our listener and viewer, if you haven’t seen them yet, go to the FamilyLife Blended YouTube page and check them out; more to come. We’re looking forward to those in the future. Guys, thanks for being with me today.
Stanley:Glad to.
Myrna:Our pleasure always; thank you.
Ron:If you want to learn more about them, check the show notes. We’ll get you a link to that YouTube channel and Myrna’s videos, and you can also find a number of free educational videos there. If you’re not familiar with our YouTube page, we’ve got stuff in Spanish. There’s a video version of this podcast that you can subscribe to if you’d rather watch than listen. We’ll leave that up to you.
I’m going to remind you that we are a donor-supported ministry. We really can’t do this without you. All gifts are tax deductible to FamilyLife and just know that you’re helping us build smart stepfamilies around the world. Make sure you use the link in our show notes; that’s actually helpful to us. That makes sure that your donation to FamilyLife gets directed specifically to FamilyLife Blended.
A quick reminder: if you’re looking for a group or a class in your area, or perhaps even a virtual group, if you’d like to get involved with The Smart Stepfamily virtual group or if you’re interested in my speaking schedule, you can find all of that on our new and improved searchable map that I mentioned earlier. You’re going to find that at FamilyLife.com/blended.
Okay, next time I’m talking with speaker and author, Laura Petherbridge. Yes, she co-authored The Smart Stepmom book with me, and she’s got another one out. This one’s called Stepfamilies of the Bible. I’m so excited for that conversation. That’s next time on FamilyLife Blended.
I’m Ron Deal. Thanks for listening or watching. And thank you to our production team and donors who make this podcast possible.
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